


The Torch he Carries

by baxugou



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, At some point Lance has a crush on Allura, Break Up, But first just Sheith, Canon Divergence, Coran appreciation, Drama, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Shklance, Forgiveness, Freeform, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, Is this a slow burn?, Lance starts off 18, Langst, Lotor gets mentioned but like that's it, M/M, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Pining Shiro (Voltron), Rating May Change, Recovery, Rejection, Slow Burn, Takes Place S6 and later, Time Passing, Time Skips, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Voltron Spoilers, if you will, then Klance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-08 08:22:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19866469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baxugou/pseuds/baxugou
Summary: “Shiro, I like you."Lance has never loved a man before, never loved someone before. Up until now he's only had crushes, and only on women. Insecure in himself, Lance gathers his courage to confess to Shiro and is rejected on the spot. Stricken, Lance struggles to recover in a high stress environment.Time passes and Lance can't move on. But he really tries. Recovery is slow and Lance is taking it one step, two steps back, at a time. It'll get easier, he hopes, and maybe...he'll love again one day.





	1. Immature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for a Voltron fic. I wanted to try a different format of writing for this story concept and I hope it pays off. The time skips will be in varying length and distance apart. I know it following a kind of different format/kind of jumping around might turn some people away, but I just really wanted to write something like this and chose my fave ot3 to do so. Hacha.

_“Shiro, I like you. A-....and not just a simple admiration either. I’m talking about...I’m talking about....that I love you, Shiro.”_

__

__

“Lance…..Thank you, I truly appreciate your affections. I didn’t know you felt that way about me. But I’m sorry, I-”

“Oh- Oh, no it’s okay Shiro! Haha, sorry if I made things awkward for you. Quiznak, I’m sorry that put you on the spot there. I just had to get it off my chest, you know--”

_“No Lance, it’s okay, you don’t have to explain yourself. It’s not awkward at all, in fact I’m glad you told me. I’m just sorry I can’t return your affections. You’re a wonderful person, it’s me that’s the problem. I’m...much older than you. You’re still a child in comparison to me...not that that’s bad. It’s just...someone more...our ages...are better suited for us.”_

\--------

**1 hour since being rejected by Takashi Shirogane**

Lance McClain felt fine until he hit his room. The thought that he seemed to be taking the rejection relatively well floating around in his mind as he mutedly made his way back to his room. Maybe he wasn’t really as serious as he thought about Shiro, so this was probably a good thing he was turned down, even if it was going to be embarrassing for a bit. But it would be even more embarrassing later if Shiro had accepted and _then_ it turned out Lance wasn’t really into Shiro that way at all. 

At least, that’s what Lance thought until the door shut behind and he was alone in his dimly lit room. 

It was then that all the emotions poured out of him all at once and Lance cried loudly, not quite making it to his bed before his legs gave out and his knees banged into the floor. Falling halfway onto his bed but mostly just on the floor, Lance desperately hung on it as a wordless scream tore out of his throat, filling the room with the piercing sounds of his heartbreak, never feeling more alone in a lonely castle travelling through the vast vacancy of space. 

Can a castle be lonely? Or was that just Lance projecting how he felt right now onto it, desperately trapped together far from their respective homes? That thought wasn’t helpful at all and the tears kept coming, hot on his face as the blanket he cried into became wetter and wetter, never stopping until he fell asleep like that.

**8 hours since being rejected by Takashi Shirogane**

Lance woke up on the floor, disoriented and confused, to the sound of Allura yelling at the paladins through the intercom to get up. Staring at the ceiling of his room from an angle he never had before, Lance shivered. He was also cold, a fist full of the blanket was all that had covered him during the night. He pulled it all the way onto the floor and wondered why he was on the floor in the first place...ah, that’s right. The memory of yesterday came crashing back to him along with the reality that he had been rejected but still had to live in the same place as Shiro.

That was what probably bit more than anything. He couldn’t take it back, or get away for awhile. He’d have to see Shiro’s face and know what he thought about him. Too much of a child to date, to consider, or even to love.

A hot trail of tears trickled down Lance’s cheeks and dripped onto the floor. The intercom blared again but Lance didn’t move. He knew he should, but his body felt heavy. He was exhausted and his eyes felt swollen and ached. Sitting up slowly, Lanced rubbed the dried tears from his face and tried to motivate himself to get up. It just felt like too much. He couldn’t think of anything but Shiro and his own pain, pathetic as that was. 

He’d been so serious too, but Shiro hadn’t taken him seriously at all. Hadn’t even thought of him and Lance as a possibility. He didn’t even see Lance as a viable romantic option. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt if Shiro were a heterosexual male or something, but that hadn’t been his excuse, and it wasn’t even true. Everyone who knew about Shiro knew he also had had a male fiance. No, Shiro’s rejection had to deal with Lance and how it would never happen between because Lance was too much younger than him. Lance wasn’t a fool. They would always be the same amount of years apart and if it was a deal breaker now, it always would be. As he got older and matured, so Shiro would too. His rejection wasn’t just a not now, it was a not-ever. It was too much. It was too much for Lance to deal with right now.

The intercom blared again and Lance’s head split, throbbing in pain. Frustrated, Lance wiped away at his tears and humored the idea of just not going. But he knew that would make it worse for himself in the long run. So, he put his arm over his face and laid there for just a few seconds more, trying hard to hype himself up for whatever Allura had in store for them.

He couldn’t put it off anymore. Lance picked himself up off the floor and steeled himself to pretend to be alright.

**10 hours since being rejected by Takashi Shirogane**

“Lance, care to explain what that performance out there was? It was truly lacking, I’ll have you know. I’m certain you can do better than that because I have seen it for myself,” Allura turned from the castle controls as they entered the bridge for their practice mission debriefing. Lance cringed, trying and failing to only have it be on the inside. He plastered on his best fake smile, complete with bright eyes and nonchalance, and shrugged.

“Aw, Princess, I didn’t think it was _that_ bad. I mean, sure, it was _great_ , I could do better, but come on, I’m not always going to be at my best out there. Besides, it was just practice--” 

“Unacceptable,” Allura cut in. “I know what you’re trying to say Lance, but you _have_ to always be at your best. The people of the universe _need_ you to always be in tip top shape. Even if it’s just practice, as you say, you have to treat it like it’s real or else, when we need you and it _is_ real, you’ll also fail us. And someone could _die_ because of that.”

Lance bit his tongue, head ducking down. He could feel tears forming like stinging pricks in the corner of his eyes. He knows what she’s saying is right, but right now, he can’t bring himself to care, as terrible as that sounds, even to him. Inside his body is a whirlpool of emotions cutting like daggers at his heart with every rotation around the central vortex. “Princess, I _know_ , I--”

“Oh Lance, I don’t think you _do_ know, or you wouldn’t have shown me such a lacking performance,”Allura says and Lance licks his lips, trying to hold his emotions inside even as they bubble closer and closer to boiling over with every scathing word she says.

“ _Please_ , not right now, Allura,” Lance pleads, glancing up at her from where he’d huddled in on himself, body tight with effort to keep everything inside of himself, to stop himself from bursting into millions of unrecognizable pieces right there as everyone watched, warped into unrecognition by the ugly emotions festering since the night before. His chest ached with it.

He felt like a dog that was kicked too many times while it was down. Just one more kick and he’d snap. Lance hoped Allura would take notice, take pity on him, just this once, and it would be fine if she never did so again. _Please_ , he silently begged, _Just dismiss us. You can chew me out later all you want. Just dismiss us._

Instead, Allura continued on and Lance, wound too tight, felt the rubber band snap back.

“Well, when _would_ be a good time? We’re short on time, every passing second brings us closer to a Galra attack--”

“I said not right now!” Lance yelled, hands clenched into white-knuckled fists by his side. The room fell dead silent in the wake of his outbursts, not even the sound of breathing from the fellow paladins by his side permeated through it, and immediately Lance felt shame. It burned his face all the way to his ears and the room felt unbearably hot. In fact, it was near swimming around him as he desperately didn’t look at anyone in fear of seeing how they might be looking at him right now.

“Very well,” came Allura’s voice, much softer this time, gently concerned even. “We will be talking later, but for now, you’re all dismissed.”

“Thank you,” Lance mumbled and she nodded before turning back to the controls and the rest of the paladins slowly trickled out of the room. Coran made parting remarks to the paladins as they left about the harm of bottling things up and how it can harm relationships, but he never addressed Lance directly or commented anything analytical about his behavior. He was grateful for that. 

“Hey man, are you okay? I’ve never seen you lash out like that,” Hunk said, coming up behind him as Lance worked his legs to boogie him down the halls and away from everyone as fast as possible, much to his chagrin at being followed.

“Yeah, you must be pent up to be yelling at the _princess_ of all things like that. Keith maybe, but not Allura,” Pidge quipped, easily catching up even with her shorter legs. Lance gave a half hearted laugh.

“It’s nothing,” He responded and picked up the pace again, waving to them as he rushed away from them. “Gotta go! Catch you later, guys.”

“ _Slow down_ , man! Do you need to talk?” Hunk called out, but Lance ignored it. He felt bad, but he could feel himself breaking down and he had to be somewhere else. There’s no way he could cry in front of them, he wasn’t ready to tell them about what he’d done and the emotions he harbored towards their leader. He’d already made enough of a fool of himself in front of them as it was without breaking down into a full blown crying fit in front of them. He already looked like an ass without looking like a baby too. 

Hunk and Pidge were no longer following him even though he could still feel their eyes on him. Eyes. Lance had been trying very hard not to think about Shiro’s dark eyes and the look he’d given him when Lance had lashed out. He couldn’t even imagine what Shiro was thinking about him right now. Surely it wasn’t anything good. He tried not to care, but he really and truly did. There’s no way Shiro didn’t know all that was about him and what happened. The realization hit him like a ton of bricks. Lance couldn’t breathe.

“Oh _God_ ,” Lance choked out, the uncontrollable fluttering of his broken heart catching the breath in throat and allowing it to go no further. His knees wobbled and off balance, he crashed into the wall. There was a burst of pain in his shoulder he barely acknowledged, mind swirling with thoughts of Shiro, none of them good. What had he been thinking? Why did he think it was a good idea to tell Shiro about his feelings? What had he expected to happen? That they would maybe go on a space date? Live happily ever after in the middle of a war? _Just wanted to get it off my chest, is all_ , he had said. That was so lame.

He was so humiliated. He humiliated himself. Lance sobbed and as his emotions peaked, he begged himself not to be in love anymore so the pain would go away and he could go back to living his life without feeling this way. He couldn’t do anything without it coming back to Shiro and how heartbroken he was and God, he couldn’t even pretend he was alright for one day. Not even for a single hour, before messing everything he did up. All because he confessed and it wasn’t even well thought out or productive at all.

“Stupid...stupid….I’m so stupid…God, i’m so stupid….” Lance slid down the wall, pulled his knees up to his chest ,and cried, beseeching to his heart and mind for relief. He just wanted to be able to stop thinking about Shiro, just for a little while. “Please…...just go away….just go _away_.”

**15 hours since being rejected by Takashi Shirogane**

Dinner time rolled around and Lance wasn’t really feeling it, but he’d been avoiding everyone for five hours now and if he skipped dinner it would worry people even more and possibly get them even more on his case. At one point, going between obscure places in the castle to be alone to avoid running into anyone, he did just that and ran into Shiro who, as it turned out, had been looking for him to talk to him. 

Big surprise, after how he ignored the intercom message to come see him approximately half an hour after flubbing their practice mission terribly. Apparently, he wanted to talk about what happened and emotions and whatnot, but Lance made up an excuse and dodged it by saying Hunk needed him for something. Which was a lie and that had been the end of it until four hours later at dinner time when Shiro brought it up, asking about what they had talked about. Obviously, Hunk had no idea what Shiro was talking about, considering it had been a lie Lance made up on the spot but Hunk, being a good friend, covered for him and went along with it. Not that it didn’t completely kill what little appetite Lance had and send him into a choking fit when it got brought up. 

“That’s disgusting, Lance,” Pidge said, leaning backwards in her seat away from the spittle of food goo spewing out of Lance’s mouth. He mutters an apology around gasping for air. Hunk continues on and Lance knows he owes him an explanation now or forever be damned as a bad friend.

“So _anyway_ , I told Lance, I just think that like, it would be cool if we modified his gun to shoot food goo. The Galra would be totally confused and it’d be really funny too,” Hunk said, swirling his fork around his plate of food goo and raising it to his mouth for a large bite. Lance himself was just pushing his food goo around his plate at this point.

“That _does _sound really important,” Shiro said slowly and Lance feels a stab of guilt, he’s positive that Shiro knows he’s avoiding him at this point, but he can’t help it. It’s hard enough just seeing his face, he’s not ready to talk about. In fact, he’d prefer to never talk about it, and pretend it never happened. Maybe it’s not the right way to deal with things, but in this moment, it’s how he really wants to deal with it.__

____

____

“Well, it’s not like I knew at the time that’s what it would be about,” Lance covers and then adds, because he feels like he’s throwing Hunk under the bus, “It would be pretty funny though.”

“I’m sure it would,” Shiro agrees, but mostly just keeps things smooth and not because he actually thinks it’d be amusing or anything. It's also a comment clearly aimed at Lance and he can't decide if him playing along with their cover story makes this easier or worse.

“It’s completely moronic,” Keith scoffs, rolling his eyes, scraping the last of his food goo onto his fork and shovelling it into his mouth before picking up his plate and standing up to leave. As usual, whenever Keith mocks him, Lance is immediately ticked. As if he isn’t already having a bad day. He uses his fork to fling to some of his food goo at Keith and the substance lands in his hair. The shocked look on his face makes Lance laugh. Keith however, scowls.

“ _Just like that_! I bet that’s the look the Galra would have too,” Lance chortles, nudging Hunk. Sure it wasn’t a real plan, but right now, it feels like it was. In this moment, a weight disappears off his chest. Only for Keith to bring it back seconds later when he slams his hands on the table, the plate and utensils in his hand making an angry clank.

“Oh that’s _real_ mature, Lance. About as mature as that moronic plan of yours. As if the Galra are going to give two cents about food goo, anyway, as their filing you full of holes while you _mess_ around.” Keith growls and then stalks away, a loping swoop in his step as he leaves the dining room in a huff.

“ _Now, now_ , paladins,” Allura chimes in, trying to defuse the situation. She opens her mouth to continue on but Lance cuts in before she can finish.

“It’s a _hilarious_ idea! You just have no concept of fun because there’s a stick so far in your ass it’s coming out of your _mouth_! It’s not like we were really going to do it or anything, but you just have to go and spoil the fun because you hate joy!” Lance yells back even as the door shuts behind Keith and he doubts the year older man can hear him anymore. Well, not that that was completely accurate anymore. Keith was now about _three_ years older. Thanks to funny space physics. “And I’ll have you know, Hunk is brilliant! _Brilliant_ , I tell you!”

“ _Lance_ ,” Shiro chides, and Lance settles back down. It’s not like he was yelling and Keith for real, most of that was just goofs. He meant it though about the killjoy part. 

Hunk leans over and says softly to him, “Thanks, man,”

“No problem,” Lance mutters, feeling a bit better and not like he’s spent the whole day feeling sorry for himself. At least he has his friends here with him, Pidge, but especially Hunk. Grateful for the reprieve even though there’s still this impossible aching and feeling of shame inside of him. Maybe it won’t be so bad, from here on out.

“So Lance,” Allura cut into his train of thoughts, “I was wondering if now would be a good time to finish that talk from earlier.”

Lance’s features fell as he looked away from Hunk’s shining smile, and towards Allura’s cautious but stern face. Of course, there’s no way she’d just forget, or simply let it go. Hunk and Pidge shift uncomfortably.

“Oh _yes_ , after your outburst, the princess has been quite concerned about you, you know,” Coran prattles, plucking a squirming bug from a bowl only he’s touch and popping it into his mouth. He wriggles and makes a sound like it’s the tastiest thing in the universe. Lance just winces at the bug juice in his moustache. The self-pity returns in a wave as he feels the weight of everyone’s gaze return to him, including Shiro’s, who hadn’t left even though Keith had and he always follows Keith to calm him down whenever he throws a fit about something. 

And no, Lance wasn’t just saying that out of being butthurt about how close they were, even though the stab of bitterness-born jealousy might say otherwise. It was just fact. And the fact was, that Shiro staying meant he and Allura were probably in on this talk together. Great. Lance put on his best smile, and steeled himself for being pushed to the edge. It probably was too much to ask for that he feels good for even a single minute today. 

“Whatever you want, Princess.”

**16 hours since being rejected by Takashi Shirogane**

“So, do you want to tell me about what happened?” Hunk inquired. They were alone in the kitchen as Hunk went around making cookies from what was available even though they just ate dinner. Hunk’s excuse, when Lance teasingly needled him about it, was that he was cooking them purely because it was relaxing to him and that sure, he was full now, but he’d be hungry later. 

“Not that you _have_ to tell me, or anything. You’re not obligated to.” Hunk added quickly, rubbing his hands on his pale yellow apron. Lance cracked a tired smile.

“It’s okay, I want to,” he said, running a finger through the flour-like substance Hunk had used to keep his space cookies from sticking to the counter. Lance felt a stir of pride for his friend. He sure was inventive for having limited supplies out in the middle of nowhere. 

“Okay...here’s what happened, and what my majorly lame actions today were based around.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Lance goes on to tell Hunk everything we already covered in this chapter so there's no need to recap it. And then cries for a bit.
> 
> God it's been a long time since I actually wrote something. A moment of silence for my dumb ass.
> 
> Thanks to my friend and beta reader for not only being the first reader but also catching everything I missed! I love you!


	2. Liar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay....i finally finished this at long last. All it took was one of my favorite mutuals writing two(three?) entire inspiring and well written fics in the span it took me to write one chapter to give me the final kick i needed. Thank you for being an absolute unit and giving me that c-o-n-t-e-n-t. 
> 
> Also thanks to my beta reader and friend, as always, for catching what I miss, for helping me write better stories, and for saving my ass because I clearly only have two braincells, as demonstrated. I appreciate you.

_“I’m sorry.”_

\--------

**17 hours since being rejected by Takashi Shirogane**

“Oh, dude, sorry,” Hunk said, rubbing Lance’s back between his shoulder blades as he sniffled. The up and down movement was soothing as he pulled himself together from telling Hunk all about what had transpired, including the torch he’s been burning for Shiro since shortly after the five of them, Shiro, Keith, Hunk, Pidge, and himself, stumbled across the blue lions and their first introduction to two foreign alien species called Alteans and leading them to become paladins of Voltron. All in all, Lance felt pretty lame as a person and as a super hotshot pilot of one fifth of a semi-sentient mega-robot, for breaking down crying just talking about his emotional shenanigans, especially after how he essentially spent all day already doing just that, but Hunk was nothing but sympathetic.

“I mean, maybe it’s just me not understanding this romance stuff, but I can’t believe there was ever a part of you that thought that was a good idea, confessing to someone you have to see every day,” Pidge gibed from where she sat sideways on the far counter, the piece of technology that was functioning as a laptop which she used a fair deal for her programing, sitting on the same counter before her. Lance cringed at what she said though, because honestly having to live with Shiro was really awkward right now in the aftermath of his confession.

Pidge had joined him and Hunk about twenty minutes after Lance had started spilling his guts out to his best friend in the whole universe and Hunk realized he was out of his league in this. He resorted to calling in the smartest person they knew, Pidge. Pidge, however, lasted all of ten minutes before she couldn’t stand the romance talk anymore and coped by multitasking; juggling listening, trying to be sympathetic and not to poke fun at Lance, and flushing out some kinks in the programs she’d been working on. It had been a little over an hour since then and Lance was only just getting done blabbing about a galaxy’s worth of suppressed emotional luggage that he’d been carrying around with him everywhere since the day he fell for Shiro.

“Pidge, dude, come _on_ , he just got rejected. Go easy on him will you?” Hunk implored her, going so far as to plead to her with the full power of his puppy dog eyes. Pidge scowled but couldn’t go against the brunt of the attack. Yeah, Hunk was being supportive but Pidge was definitely having the time of her life making fun of Lance for his one-sided romantic endeavors. Not really in an insensitive way and he didn’t even blame her for it. She wasn’t exactly wrong, he _had_ asked for her advice, and he probably needed the partly playful, partly sarcastic, nudging. It’s not like she hadn’t said anything he hadn’t already thought himself, either in the back of his mind or right up in the front and waiting to get run over by another bad decision.

“Nah, it’s alright, Hunk,” Lance said, rubbing the tears from his eyes that were slowly stopping by this point. To be honest, he did feel better between crying full-heartedly and getting all of that off his chest. “Sorry to dump that on you, but thanks for listening.”

“No problem, Lance. I _did_ ask for you tell me, after all.” Hunk responded, taking his hand away from rubbing Lance’s back and Lance stepped away from where he’d been leaning up against the counter. The same one Pidge was sitting on, just down by the end of it.

“That’s true,” Lance flashed Hunk a grateful smile.

“Well _I_ didn’t ask for it, but it’s what I _got_ anyway,” Pidge says with reproach and then quickly adds, “Not that I don’t care. Because I do. I just don’t know what Hunk thought I’d be able to add. I’ve never been in love.”

“Me either,” Hunk says, “But I still can’t believe you’ve been in love with Shiro since way before the whole...Shiro...clone...thing. And that it survived through it too. Like, _seriously_? While Zarkon was still around?”

Lance laughed a little at that, “Yeah, that was definitely a weird period of time. The clone Shiro, not the whole Zarkon thing. But to be honest, I’m just glad we’ve got the real Shiro back. The real Shiro is a lot better…” Lance found himself smiling fondly as he thought back on how much more gentle Shiro was as opposed to his clone, who was strict and harsh. When Allura put Shiro’s mind and spirit into the body of the clone, Lance felt as if his heart would burst right then. He’d been so full of worry and happiness and a plethora of other emotions, it was so amazing he couldn’t even stand it.

“Oh, _gag me with a spoon_ ,” Pidge said cuttingly, jerking his reminiscing to a full stop. She jammed one of Hunk’s successfully completed cookies into her mouth. Lance frowned. And then laughed again.

**22 hours since being rejected by Takashi Shirogane**

Lance woke up in the middle of the night. The warm and fuzzy feeling his friends had left him with before they all went to bed was long gone, replaced now with a crushing feeling of sadness. He had thought to go to bed relatively early in the evening, not that day and night wasn’t a funny construct when you’re in space, but because of how emotionally exhausted he was from today. Right now that looked to him like wishful thinking because, upon waking up, Lance felt lost. His break from sorrowful one-sided pining interrupted by an unfortunately timed pleasant dream, starring him and the object of his affections. 

All could do was lay there, wide awake, as the last remainders of his dream played like a silken powerpoint inside his mind. In his dream, there were no Galra, no high-speed, high-risk race to save the universe before it could be completely controlled by a hostile force or subsequently destroyed by said force. At least, not anymore, in his dream. There was only the calm peace that came with knowing he had nothing urgent he needed to be doing. He was on the beach, feet bare in the sand as the waves crashed gently a few feet away. The sun was sinking slowly below the horizon, sending orange shimmers across the water, the stars far away for once and glittering beautifully. is hand was warm, held by one much bigger than his own. Lance had looked over, following his arm up to find Shiro looking not at the ocean, the stars, or the setting sun, but at him. Shiro had been looking at _him_. 

Then he had woken up alone in his bed, too worked up to fall asleep. But it was all too early to start the day, and no one else would be awake for hours yet. The castle, and the room allotted to him as his bedroom, was quiet and still. A harsh juxtaposition to the soothing crashing of the waves from his dream. Instead of ocean waves, the only thing crashing right now was homesick-ness and it was crashing into Lance. He missed Earth. Even if they _were_ currently heading there now, the anticipation made everything worse. But right now, the worst thing by far was that Lance had woken up alone and that there was no hand holding his.

“ _Dammit_ ,” Lance cursed softly, rolling onto his side and trying not to huddle in on himself. After a few moments passed, Lance thought _to hell with it_ , and did it anyway. He held himself tightly as he tried to calm down so he wouldn’t break apart again. In this moment, the sweet peace hanging out with Pidge and Hunk had brought him was washed away by pure yearning for something he couldn’t have. He wanted Shiro to hold him when he was at his lowest like this. He wanted to do the same for Shiro when he was plagued by nightmares. But now that would forever be a fantasy, something he could only happen in his mind. As it just had. Except now, it just hurt.

Feeling like he was going to choke on his tongue, Lance tucked himself as tightly into a ball as he could and held on. He held on for dear life and felt the regret of having even let himself get his hopes up that Shiro might feel the same way about him. If being let down was going to hurt this bad, it would have been better to have never got his expectations up at all. He couldn’t blame Shiro for this, it was his fault after all. It just didn’t make him feel any better that he only had himself to blame.

“Oh, Shiro….Shiro, I love you…” Lance whispered, tucking his face into the softness of his pillow, trying to find peace in how it cupped his cheek, and pulled the blankets as high as he could until he could barely breathe. He prided himself in that moment on how he didn’t even cry.

**24 hours since being rejected by Takashi Shirogane**

Lance sat by himself looking out at the stars. He couldn’t fall back asleep and after a couple miserable, boring hours of that, he gave up and came here. The rest of the paladins and the Alteans were still asleep, but not Lance. He was wide awake and lost in his mind. When he first sat down, the floor had been cold on his bare legs, but since he’d been sitting there long enough now, he’d either adjusted to it, it or it had warmed up from his body temperature. Maybe both. Coming out here in his robe was probably crass but he didn’t have the emotional energy to get dressed, unfortunately, when he had wanted to be asleep. There were perks of coming out here in his robe though and that was the small enjoyment his blue lion slippers gave him when he saw them on his feet. He moved his feet in the slippers back and forth, cracking a small smile as their tiny ears waved at him, and then he looked back out through the window.

It was ever so dark out there, a permanent night, and that was only depressing when he already sad. He loved the night, loved stars. But right now, Lance wanted to feel the sun on his skin. Sighing softly, he ran his hands up and down his arms, the smooth material of his sleeves travelling with the palms of his hands. He let his mind wander. The stars travelled by faster than his eyes could keep up with, even with the slow speed the castle of lions was moving at since it’s near destruction after they locked Lotor in the quintessence field. Not many functions were working very well, if they were working at all. The wormhole feature was completely down, and the cryostasis healing pods weren’t stable enough to use. Some sections of the castle were completely off-limits without a suit. 

But they were making their way back to Earth and Lance was itching in anticipation to get there. The snail crawl pace it felt like they were moving at were doing nothing for his impatience and eagerness to get there and see his family again. And then they could restore the castle of lions, or create a new ship to harbor the lions and paladins. It was up in the air on what they were going to do yet, Allura and Coran weren't sure the damage from sealing rifts was fixable, despite the strange miracle of the explosion hurtling it back out into space before being destroyed completely. The Alteans were both elated and distraught at the same time as they assessed the damage while they made their way to Earth. Coran said they could maybe make it faster if the paladins took their lions but the Voltron lions were also in a power crisis and it was up in the air if they could even make it to Earth in them right now. So, along they crawled through space and it was all Lance could do to sit still. The addition of stress from his seemingly ill timed confession to Shiro was only adding to Lance urge to be doing something, anything, if only to distract himself. Maybe it might have caught Shiro out of the blue when they're all in a sort of mini crisis right now, but in reality, he had simply wanted to tell the man how he felt in case anything were to happen to one of them. There’d been so many close calls already that could have been the end. Shiro actually _had_ died and had been dead for awhile. He had only just had his spirit put into the dead body of his clone by Allura a mere movement ago.

Heart churning, Lance tried to wipe that from his mind, hands balling into the fabric of his robe. Seeking something to ease, or even just distract his mind, Lance set all his focus on the stars. Counting the ones that were within a human’s eyesight as they passed was impossible, he had tried. So for now, he just tried to let them hypnotise his mind into a stillness. It was working, to an extent, luring him into a neutral numb feeling. In this moment, Lance didn’t feel good or bad anymore. Which was more than he could’ve hoped for when he came out here to stargaze. 

The stillness in his mind was reaching a point of absentminded bliss when the door whirred open, casting light into the room. Lance turned his head, feeling his heart simultaneous skip and a beat and drop when Shiro entered the room. He was dressed for sleep, a blurry look in his eyes telling Lance that until recently, he had been doing just that. His hair, recently becoming all silver, was ruffled and out of place. _Oh, quiznak_ , Lance thought to himself, turning his head to look back out the window so that maybe the object of his affections wouldn’t see the complex cocktail of emotions running amok across his face.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Lance asks, wrapping his arms around a knee tucked to his chest. He listened acutely to the sound of Shiro’s footsteps crossing the room and the rustle of clothes as he sat down beside him. His heart was pounding so fast it was making him dizzy. Lance didn’t dare look at him.

“I _should_ , but I’m not. The same could be said about you though.” Shiro answered, with a slight teasing tone in his voice and a yawn. Lance trembled all the way to his soul at the sound of his coyness in his words. God, he had it so bad for this man. He could set all of Lance’s nerve-endings on fire with just a couple choice words. He finally glanced over at Shiro and found him looking at him too. Lance felt small just then. 

“I couldn’t sleep,” He said and looked down at the floor. This one moment they were sharing felt so intimate to him and he kicked himself for wanting to harbor the illusion that Shiro felt the same way. Lance wanted to reach out and touch Shiro’s hair, see if he’d lean into his touch. He wanted to know if when he kissed Shiro, if his lips would be soft or firm. But Shiro wasn’t his to touch like that or to kiss, so he kept his hands in his lap.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro said suddenly after the silence had dragged on for just a little bit too long, the air around them becoming heavy with everything that was going unsaid. Lance wants to say a lot of things in response to that. _Then why did you have to turn me down?_ , or _you have nothing to be sorry for_ , or even _please don’t this to me. Not again. Not now._

“For what?” is what Lance does say, a smile plastered on his face to keep at bay a plethora of different emotions that might betray what he’s really feeling. His body is rigid, now. He couldn’t look up from the floor, and the muscles in his cheeks began to ache.

___“I guess, for hurting you, for a start.” Shiro answered and Lance was screaming inside._ _ _

___**25 hours since being rejected by Takashi Shirogane** _ _ _

___Lance screamed, banging his hands against the wall. Water from the showerhead was pelting onto his body and washing his tears away faster than he could cry them. Head hanging low, he cried as the drain swallowed up his agony away one tear at a time. He screamed wordlessly until his voice went hoarse and cracked, the sound of water only partially covering the sound of a voice that barely sounded like his own anymore. The pain in the back of his throat never let him separate himself from the fact that this was all him. He was in disbelief though that he had somehow managed to smile through to the end of Shiro’s alleged apology and decided that, now that he felt better, he’d go back to bed. Lance however, did _not_ feel better now that Shiro had confessed his guilty heart to him. _ _ _

___“ _Damn you, Shiro_. You’re _sorry?!_ ” Lance sobbed, nails chipping down the shower wall. “Wasn’t once enough? Why…. _why_....why did you have to do that? Bring it up again and stab the knife in again. Damn you…damn you... _damn you_ …! Turn me down twice in as many days. I didn’t even ask for it this time. Didn’t even say anything to you about it. I was minding my own business, _dammit!_ ”_ _ _

___Lance pulled away from the wall when he felt a sharp prick of pain underneath his nails, spinning the knob to curb the flow of water. Whisking a fluffy towel and fastening it around his waist, Lance wiped his tears away, sniffling when more persistently followed. His body hiccuped with the effort not to continue bawling his eyes out and his heart with it. He rubbed the fog off the mirror and had to admit to himself that he looked like shit right now._ _ _

___“At least it matches how I feel inside…” Lance muttered bitterly, taking the towel and using it to sponge the droplets of water from his body, drying his face with it last. He breathed deeply into the soft, slightly damp, fabric. This had been one of the longest night-to-night cycles of his life and his unsightly behavior during it was stuck in his craw with a bitter and burning aftertaste. Had he really looked like he needed a pep-talk that badly? One that didn’t even make Lance feel better and instead making him feel worse._ _ _

___“I must look like such a fool…quiznak…no more lovesick Lance,” He whispered to himself, and pulled the towel away from his face. When he looked into the mirror this time, the look in his hollowed-out eyes was much better. There was a firmer, more determined look in the depths of the blue this time. “Loverboy Lance always bounces back.”_ _ _

___\--------_ _ _

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“For what?”_

_“I guess, for hurting you, for a start. It’s been bothering me, how I reacted. I should have handled it better, especially since it was your feelings that were on the line. I respect you too much to’ve done that to you, and yet, I did.”_

_“Thanks Shiro. I ...respect you too.”_

_“It’s just I...I should have told you the truth. The whole truth. It’s true that you are quite a bit younger than me but...you’re a paladin of Voltron. You’ve seen this not a whole lot of adults have seen, you’ve fought battles not everyone could’ve gone through. All while holding a massive burden on your shoulders. And I called you a child. I’m sorry for that.”_

_“Shiro I….I don’t know what to say. Why are you telling me this.”_

_“Because I think you should know. The truth is I...I’m actually in a relationship with Keith right now.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....that was that. The plot unfolds (some). Next time on Dragon Ball Z, Lance stubs his toe and cries about it for awhile. #Langst. Stay tuned. 
> 
> Also! Not to be over-dramatic but to anyone who commented, I'd die for you. Facts.


End file.
